Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:11 PM CDT

WARNING: This is a bit crude but not too bad

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:23 PM CDT

Oh boy, Charles that one was something :-))))))

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:24 PM CDT

WARNING: another mildly vulgar one



A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

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Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:32 PM CDT

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Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:43 PM CDT

Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was a salted.

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 12:45 PM CDT

WARNING -these are just really bad:




Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 01:13 PM CDT

I got my mom a beautiful exotic tropic bird for Christmas... it wasn't cheep... the bird was fluid in 5 languages and it was a very rare breed with colorful plumage... exited right after Christmas, I called my mom to ask her how she liked the bird.... "OHHHH it was delicious"... "MOM" I yelled... "that was a very rare tropical bird, and very expensive... it could speak 5 languages"....

"Well then it should have said something"

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 01:49 PM CDT

Q: Two potatoes are standing on a corner. How do you tell which one is a prostitute?

A: Look for the little sticker on it that says, "Idaho"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....what? did you say something? Oh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

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Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 01:59 PM CDT

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Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 14 2010 @ 02:16 PM CDT

(1) ------------------------
"I can never remember other people's jokes, so I am doomed to invent my own."
- Drakonis

(2)------------------------
A. Sooner is always Better.
B. Better takes longer and is therefore always Later.
Therefore...
C. Sooner is always Later.
- Drakonis

(3) ------------------------
Discarded in one of those dimly lit alleys we all know to avoid at night, partially obscured by trash and leaves, lay a thick dark spell-book. A block away, disenchanted with his current profession as an out-of-work actor, shuffled a rather inebriated fellow named Chad. Although he had stayed out quite late trying to wash away his self-pity with bartender concoctions, he instinctively took his afternoon shortcut home through this self-same alley. "I can memorize my lines in one reading, and deliver them with panache!" mumbled Chad as he stumbled down the alley. "But it's not my fault, nobody recognizes my talent as a great actor..." he sighed, "... I need to change jobs to... to something more powerful."

Kabonk! Chad's foot slammed into the book, causing his face to quickly observe the pavement, much closer than he ever wished. He picked himself up slowly, and reached down to the book, which seemed now to glow in his presence. It could be nothing else but a sign, he thought, and he trudged home with the book to see what it contained.

Chad's girlfriend had tired of waiting for him and stepped out of their apartment for dinner. When he arrived, he dusted off the untitled book and set it on the nightstand. But when he opened it, he was horribly disappointed to find that it was in some strange runic alphabet he could not read. Even with the alcohol clouding his reason, he correctly guessed that it was some kind of wizard's spell-book, and he got quite excited that it might hold the key to his new line of work. "I could become a powerful wizard now" exclaimed Chad, in a loud booming drunk-actor voice that startled his sleeping cat off the bed. He opened to the first page of writing, hoping that it was a spell to give the reader the power he needed to become a wizard. He took a deep breath, looked at the runes, then up at the reflection of himself in the mirror, and uttered a string of dark wispy words that seemed to come from nowhere. For effect, he frowned and wiggled his fingers at the mirror as he spoke.

Two noises happened simultaneously in the apartment. There was a soft pop that came from the bedroom, and there was a loud "Chad?" voiced from his girlfriend, who had just opened the front door looking for him. "Help! I'm in here" Chad choked out uneasily. She ran into the bedroom to find purple smoke clearing, revealing not her dear out-of-work actor, but instead a large ugly toad sitting on the bed.

"Ugh! This is the last straw! I'm outta here!" she said, and turned in disgust to leave. However, Chad was desperate to present his explanation. "Wait!" he croaked. She stopped momentarily and looked back over her shoulder, awaiting his usual measly speech. The only line Chad could think of to say was, "I was reading for the part of the wizard, but I've been miscast!"

-Drakonis, circa 2001