Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 11:42 AM CDT

Another oldie-


A vulture boards a plane with a dead raccoon under each wing.

The flight attendant stops him and says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger".

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 01:52 PM CDT

1) Heisenberg was trying out his new car on the German Autobahn when he gets pulled over by a cop. The police officer walks slowly towards the driver's seat window and asks: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "Nope - but I know *exactly* where I am!

2) Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were hanging out in heaven, bored to death. All of a sudden Einstein suggests: "Hey, guys - wanna play hide and seek? I mean, we've done everything else - why shouldn't we?"
Pascal and Newton figure "why not?" and Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting to 100. Pascal immediately runs off and hides behind a cloud. Newton, on the other hand, calmly picks up a piece of black duct tape and tapes a small square on the ground - 1 meter across - and sits down in the middle of it.
Finally, Einstein goes: "...97, 98, 99, 100! Ready or not here I come!", turns around and sees Newton sitting in his duct taped square on the ground. "Umm... Isaac - I can see you!"
"Nope. I'm Newton on a square meter - I'm Pascal!"

3) Aleksi and Katarina were Finnish newlyweds and were on their way from the wedding reception to their hotel. They were riding through a snowy Finnish forest in an open horse carriage. The weather was perfectly still and it was all so very romantic - just the two of them and the horse and the vision of their perfect life together.
All of a sudden, the horse neighs and stops.
Aleksi - not happy about this interruption - gets out of the carriage and grabs the horse by the back of its head, looks it straight in the eyes and threateningly says: "Yksi!" (Finnish for 'one')
Aleksi then gets back into the carriage and takes his wife in his arms as they carry on through the forest.
But a short while later, the horse stops again and neighs even louder.
Aleksi jumps off the carriage and grabs the horse even harder, shakes its head roughly, looks it straight in the eye and goes: "Kaksi!" (Finnish for 'two'). He then gets back in the carriage and they carry on.
Then, for the third time, the horse stops and neighs even louder than before.
Aleksi rushes out of the carriage, pulls a gun out of his jacket pocket, looks the horse straigh in the eyes and says: "Kolme!" and BAM! He shoots the horse in the head.
This does not sit well with Katarina and yells and yells at her husband how unnecessary this was and how cruel and disgusting Aleksi was being.
Aleksi slowly turns to Katarina, looks her straight in the eyes and goes: "Yksi!"

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 03:06 PM CDT

Quote by: Einarus 3) Aleksi and Katarina were Finnish newlyweds and were on their way from the wedding reception to their hotel. They were riding through a snowy Finnish forest in an open horse carriage. The weather was perfectly still and it was all so very romantic - just the two of them and the horse and the vision of their perfect life together. All of a sudden, the horse neighs and stops. Aleksi - not happy about this interruption - gets out of the carriage and grabs the horse by the back of its head, looks it straight in the eyes and threateningly says: "Yksi!" (Finnish for 'one') Aleksi then gets back into the carriage and takes his wife in his arms as they carry on through the forest. But a short while later, the horse stops again and neighs even louder. Aleksi jumps off the carriage and grabs the horse even harder, shakes its head roughly, looks it straight in the eye and goes: "Kaksi!" (Finnish for 'two'). He then gets back in the carriage and they carry on. Then, for the third time, the horse stops and neighs even louder than before. Aleksi rushes out of the carriage, pulls a gun out of his jacket pocket, looks the horse straigh in the eyes and says: "Kolme!" and BAM! He shoots the horse in the head. This does not sit well with Katarina and yells and yells at her husband how unnecessary this was and how cruel and disgusting Aleksi was being. Aleksi slowly turns to Katarina, looks her straight in the eyes and goes: "Yksi!"

Ha ha, I knew this one on Corsican version, but I guess the world is a village :-)

Here is something funny I saw on YouTube

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 03:53 PM CDT

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" *

PS: No flack from you New Jerseyians either--I'm from there too, which is how I know this story is true!

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 05:06 PM CDT

Quote by: -Harold- Quote by: Scott Carmichael so this snail gets mugged by 2 turtles... and as he's laying in the ditch, the cops arrive and ask the snail... "did you get a good look at these 2 turtles, can you tell us anything about them?"... the snail replied... "I don't know, it all happened so fast" So, the same snail goes to the race car dealer to get a ride to keep away from the turtles. Dealer sells him the fastest vehicle on the lot, and asks the snail what number he wants painted on the door ad hood. The snail says he wants the letter S painted on in bright red. The dealer complied, and as the snail peeled out of the dealership and zoomed past the turtles, one turtle says to the other, "Look at that S car go!!"

good one

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 05:10 PM CDT

Quote by: Reggie_Pole Another joke, starring "this guy": This guy in a bar tells the bartender that he can bite his own nose...

you got to laugh with this one

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 07:17 PM CDT

Yes, thanks for the laughs today Harold.

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 08:52 PM CDT

"What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?"
"I dunno, what?"
"You're not coming to my house."

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 09:12 PM CDT

Do dolphins do things by accident?

No, they do things on porpoise!

Re:Joke of the Day!
Thursday, July 15 2010 @ 09:23 PM CDT

OK OK, fine... I'll play by the rules...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

(I'll let you chew on that one until you get it...)
ttfn,
Drakonis