Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, July 17 2010 @ 11:14 AM CDT

yea Dave.... all of your jokes are keepers... and will soon be in my repertoire..

how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb....

two.... but I don't know how they got in there....

Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, July 17 2010 @ 02:40 PM CDT

Tommy Cooper was THE corny-joke master. Familiar to the Brits amongst us, I'm not sure about others! Here's a selection:

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm,
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said
"You've been promoted."
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
"You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
"What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said
"Parking Fine."

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, July 17 2010 @ 09:05 PM CDT

Saint Peter checking new arrivals in Heaven...

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

Re:Joke of the Day!
Sunday, July 18 2010 @ 12:23 AM CDT

okay - I laughed....ha ha

Funny - Thanks jd,

mvh : )

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Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 03:00 PM CDT

* This message has been removed *

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 06:07 PM CDT

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 06:08 PM CDT

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 06:08 PM CDT

Just found this one online, it had me crying:


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 06:19 PM CDT

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, July 28 2010 @ 06:19 PM CDT

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"