Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, May 05 2012 @ 04:35 AM CDT

It was entertainment night at the local Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

"The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre -

and Claude was never invited back...

Re:Joke of the Day!
Friday, May 11 2012 @ 03:07 PM CDT

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013 -- Remember:


1.. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2.. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3.. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4.. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5.. The only time the world beats a path toYour door is if you're in the bathroom.


6.. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7.. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9.. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment .... for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel .... because those that matter... don't mind .... and those that mind ....don't matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, July 14 2012 @ 09:56 AM CDT

Re:Joke of the Day!
Saturday, July 14 2012 @ 11:13 AM CDT

Apologies in advance, but I do have a bunch of work to get done around here. A new shirt may be called for...

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, August 01 2012 @ 09:48 AM CDT

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, August 01 2012 @ 09:59 AM CDT

Quote by: SmokeyVW so this Higgs boson walks into a church during a service, proceeds to the altar and begins preaching to the worshipers the priest walks up to the Higgs boson and says: "Excuse me, but I am the pastor of this church" the Higgs boson replies: "Perhaps you are, but I can give mass as well!"

A quantum mechanics joke. I love it!

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, August 01 2012 @ 10:03 AM CDT

Joke:

Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: An accordion hitting a banjo in the bottom of a dumpster.

Corollary joke:

Polka music is unique in that it combines the two most irritating instruments known to man in the same band (see joke above).

Re:Joke of the Day!
Wednesday, August 01 2012 @ 11:35 AM CDT

Quote by: Ren-Tin-10 Quote by: SmokeyVW so this Higgs boson walks into a church during a service, proceeds to the altar and begins preaching to the worshipers the priest walks up to the Higgs boson and says: "Excuse me, but I am the pastor of this church" the Higgs boson replies: "Perhaps you are, but I can give mass as well!" A quantum mechanics joke. I love it!

In a popular science lecture series a while back, there was a lecture titled

"Neutrinos have mass?! I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

Victor.

Re:Joke of the Day!
Friday, August 03 2012 @ 09:40 PM CDT

Re:Joke of the Day!
Monday, August 27 2012 @ 12:28 AM CDT

The newlyweds were in the Honeymoon Suite preparing to consummate their marriage. Remembering a piece of advice his father gave him, the groom took off his pants and handed them to his bride. "Put these on", he said.

His wife replied,"They're far too big for me, Darling. I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," the groom explained. "I wear the pants in this relationship, and that's the way it's going to stay."

Using her quick wit, the bride then removed her knickers and hands them to him with a similar request. "They're too small," said the man. "I can't get in your knickers".

"That's right," smiled the bride. "And if you don't change your bloody attitude, that's the way it's going to stay."