I think that you have some good idea's here.
Verse 1, you keep a sincapated rhyme pattern. It captures a repatitious
flow of the same thing day in, and day out.
Verse 2, you break up your rhyme pattern which shows you (as a
charictor) breaking off and finding your own voice.
Verse 3, you break into the sycapated rhyme pattern (repatitious every
day life) with a break screaming "Let me out of here.") Cool change.

I think that your "chorus" or "hook" could use a little manipulation. Try
and find a 1 or 2 phrase statement that could really drive the tune
home. Something that grabs the listener by the gut. Your verses give
a good explanation and tell a good story, but the hook is what reels
the listener in.

I like your stuff, keep workin' on your craft.

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Excellent criticism! I appreciate the depth of your comment. It's also gratifying
to hear someone interpret my lyrics! I really like how you put that. This song
was done in the Summer and is unfortunately exported beyond much
modification, but I'll remember what you've told me for future songs.

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I like what the rap says here - and you deliver it with assurance. Perhaps the arrangement could've blown up a little more - this kind of heavy duty would really smack hard with some bass thrown down and beats - but it's a measure of your assurance, once again, that you are comfortable with laying this down in a minimalist territory. Keep up the pace - be encouraged. Good vibe all around!

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I'm going through your every song in your catalog... and this is saying
much coming from someone who actually disdains rap. I think what
makes the difference for me is I am actually reading the lyrics and seeing
the substance of your song rather than just listening to your ranting and
feeling your angst. It has a minimalist treatment but this makes your
vocals stand out and draws attention to the message rather than be
distracted by the music. Again, most of the listenable raps have a killer
refrain/chorus, which this song seemed to have intentionally eluded.. with
a little grand arrangement in the refrain/chorus, it certainly will double its
appeal. a definite download and fav.

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Verse 2 definately sounds just like Eminem on his song Renegade. . .
parents, mirror, failed marriages. heres his lrics.

EMINEM:
Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish

(here's where the parallels are undeniable)

But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a motherfuckin drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!
(Ha ha!) And do you have any clue what I had to do to get here I don't
think you do so stay tuned and keep your ears glued to the stereo
Cause here we go - he's {*Jigga joint Jigga-chk-Jigga*
And I'm the sinister, Mr. Kiss-My-Ass it's just the

so yea. . . dont really know what else to say about that. seems pretty
shady.

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Your perceptiveness is amazing; the parallels are undeniable. I'm impressed
that you'd notice the similarities with such accuracy.

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vocally i cant take you serious you sound like wierd al impersonating limp
biskit....beat is cool but it doesnt really slam....

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I know you don't like my music, but I'm flattered that you've listened to every one of my songs despite thinking it's poorly done.

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bro i have nothing against your music...by posting you are opening your self to
both critisism and compliments....all good musicians take critisism and use it to
make their music better (as long as the critisism is due)....youve got talent
musically....in my opinion you seem to be a better producer than mc...thats not
to say that with practice you wont get better...either way dont ever let anyones
opinions change what you love to do

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haha, thanks man. I didn't mean it like I took offense, I was just saying it's cool
that even having the opinions you have you still listened to it all.

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Really good lyrics


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