Powerful, but... &mdash 01/08/06 - 03:14:41 AM
Your comment about my string interlude was exceptionally kind and
generous, so I feel like a bit of a schmuck saying anything negative
about this, but hopefully you'll either take it as constructive criticism,
or just ignore it if you don't agree.
The first half is sublime. Specifically, the short, simple intro is perfect,
your opening lines are immediate attention grabbers, your voice is
fantastic, the real deal, and the repeated melody line with guitar
counterpoint is haunting, fascinating, engaging, etc. I'm ready for a
change by the time "All these things..." comes, and sure enough, you
give us a change, and that too works well.
By the middle of the song, I'm thinking this is a good as ANYTHING I
hear commercially, better than maybe 90% of it, in fact. The kind of
stuff that stays with you long afterwards.
But, beginning with "and what is left ...," something changes for me,
and it's hard to pinpoint, but I'll try. It's still good, I'm just not reacting
to it with the superlatives that I used for the previous material. I think
part of it has to do with the fact that the lyrics until this point have
been mysterious, open, leaving the listener to wonder about their
meaning, and then, I don't know, I feel like the text becomes less
subtle; you start telling us what it all means in an unambiguous way.
But I guess what I was really digging was the ambiguity of what led up
to this point. Like Tom, the word "Ephemeral" stuck out for me, but in
a very non-subtle, non-ephemeral way. Someone once told me (and I
have since read this many times) that one of the fundamental
guidelines for writers is, "show them, don't tell them," and I feel like
the first half of the song is you showing us stuff, powerful imagery, but
maybe in the last six lines you begin to tell us stuff in a more direct
way. I personally like the idea of ending the "all these things..." section
with "what cannot be found..." It's more mysterious, open, forcing us
to think about what it all means.
I take it from Tom's response to echoroom that writing short songs is
your thing, which is intriguing, but I have to say that, given the quality
of the opening verses, I don't understand why you don't bring the
melody back. I kept waiting for its return but it never happened.
I don't have a problem with the drums becoming more prominent
towards the end; I found it an interesting feature. You have
extraordinary craft and subtlety.
Okay, I'll shut up now. Please don't take offense at any of this!
Clark
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words that were not used in the news stories I wrote. They were not
"TV words." The word "ephemeral" would be placed in that category.
However, I guess it is a jonx word. And as such, it might as well be
sung twice, for emphasis. Still not sure what it means, though, being
the Joe Sixpack that I am. I do know what a clothesline is, having had
one in the backyard, along with a garbage can where we burned our
trash, and where sometimes hairspray cans exploded.
Another excellent piece. Will vote later so as not to jinx the jonx.
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