i agree this was a little darker than the lyrical content seemed, i liked
the last lines in particular because it is interesting how "i love you" is
used as a substitute for "goodbye" fairly commonly, the "I am lost" part
lost me because most of the piece seemed 3rd person, but this seemed
to come from you...however if i run with that idea, perhaps this is a
reflection on a type of woman from your past? a woman unable to be
held onto...a woman with a recognizable presence, but at the same
time seemingly untangible...i may not be the best at understanding
poetry, but this is how this piece left me, looking forward to your next
"dark" piece

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Formatting doesn't come across well. Some of the poem is "her" speaking. In
fact, all the left speaker stuff is supposed to be quotes. The italics I use to set
off the female parts from the male get lost.

Trying to apply a "person" to my poetry is hard. Usually it's first with additional
first person quotes.

---
A Bloody Dark Pastryman
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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that clears up a few things, i noticed quotes, but yes finding person was
difficult, and the difficulty in understanding poetry is one of the things I like
about it ;-) i liked your forum post as well in which you explained how it is
annoying when people follow every forum post with "Check Out my New
Song!" 'link' ;-)

---
I'm not God, but...

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Sorry, the romantic spirit of Edgar Allan Poe possessed me there for a
moment.
Good moody piece.
BTW, I have a gun sound font that sounds a lot like the percussion in this
song.

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but compelling. Usually spoken word stuff makes me yawn and click the back button. Most poets are terrible to listen to. They drone their verse. You have a good sense of performance in your work, and a very pleasant vocal instrument. This poem kept me engaged, and the bed music is appropriately atonal and arrhythmic. The last "goodbye" surprised me in it's viciousness.



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I was trying to do one set of vocals primarily in the left mic and the other in the
right. I found two different effects to apply (one to each track), but since I was
doing the poem in one sitting, there was no real way to isolate a mic (nor did I
want to), so I got pick up on both (kind of manual panning by moving my head).

Anyway, I wanted that last line in both mics, so I backed to center and said it
louder. It did come out mean.

---
A Bloody Dark Pastryman
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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I liked it! I think the dark mood suits it just fine. Great job!!
Thanks for sharing this.

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Very intense dude. The lyrics are great. The phrasing reminds me a little bit of Bukowski but the atmosphere and effects push it into another realm.
I must ask - is this a general piece or about someone specific?

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It was about a woman I knew was going to leave me even as we dated. She was
yummy. I called her my "vacation."

I knew it wouldn't work out from the start, but she was perfect for me, I just
couldn't return the favor. She was going places I couldn't and didn't want to
follow.

Neither of us held illusions, I like to think both were saddened it ended.

I got a half dozen decent poems out of her and as many weeks. I could tell you
what she got out of me, but I think the poems do that.

---
A Bloody Dark Pastryman
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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Great poetry is awesome whatever form it takes, whether spoken or sung
or whispered. I like the dark atmosphere that the background music
lends to your haunting voice.

The only thing that was a little out of place for me was the emphatic and
somewhat angry word "goodbye" at the end. I thought a sad or faint
rendition would have been more appropriate...

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Not in a graveyard.

And the final bit was harsher than I intended. I thought I;d moved back further
from the mics than I had. I still like how it came out.

---
A Bloody Dark Pastryman
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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This is a wonderful piece. The poetry is wonderful! I honestly can't think of any criticism, constructive or otherwise, just keep up the good work. AWESOME!

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She is destined to haunt relationships. A spirit who exsists to
endlessly repeat a moment. Addiction.

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a woman never decides to leave and then just leave... she thinks about
a long time before it actually happens... I think the poem captures
this.

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