This is... (demo)

[Explicit]

packosmokes

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Description

Okay, usually I just post songs when I feel they're done, but this one just doesn't have a "finished" feel to me or perhaps, I've been listening to it too long.... then I thought to myself, "Hey! I can stick it up on MacJams and get feedback! derrr!"

So, here it is... the demo of "This is". Please throw any comments, criticisms and ideas, if you have them my way. I'm definitely looking for some insight to help complete this track.

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Lyrics

This is the condemnation of everything,
This is the condemnation of all the greed,

This is the situation of all the greed,
This is the situation of enemies.

Taking the whole foundation of what is pure,
Taking the whole foundation just to be sure.

Taking the evolution just to be sure,
Taking the evolution of all the world.

This is the masturbation we give ourselves,
This is the masturbation, we do it well.

This is the self-destruction, we do it well,
This is the self-destruction then off to hell.

Filling the cemetery with all our lives,
Filling the cemetery with all our lies.

Filling the hate within us with all our lies,
Filling the hate within us is no surprise.

This is the validation of every flaw,
This is the validation of every wrong.

Bury the explanation of every wrong,
Bury the explanation to kill it off.

Carry the information of what they do,
Carry the information away from you.

Taking the concentration away from you,
Taking the concentration right out of view.

Song Stats

Hits: 2667
Comments: 24
Fans: 10
Plays: 505
Downloads: 117
Votes: 26
Uploaded: Sep 16, 2004 - 05:55:05 PM
Last Updated: Mar 11, 2005 - 05:34:42 PM Last Played: Aug 14, 2009 - 09:03:45 PM

Song License

Creative Commons License:
Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial

Song Actions

Hardware:

Shure m58, ART Tube MP, M-Audio Keystation 49e, Line 6 Spider AMP, Ibanez RG-470L

Software:

GarageBand 1.1

Comments

giovanni

giovanni said 1897 days ago (September 16th, 2004)

Cool...
I really like this... anytime anyone uses *big* words in a
lyric, I definitely get up and cheer. hmm.... my only
suggestion would be to add a "b" section. Maybe there's
too much of the A section to feel completely finished. The
B section could be a bridge, a instrumental solo, or
something like that... though I wouldn't go for something
like a chorus. there's my two cents!

Check out my latest song called I Can't Remember Me

macapa	macapa said 1897 days ago (September 16th, 2004)
	Very cool! A very interesting piece. Sounds pretty finished to my untrained ears. Only suggestion I can give is that it might be interesting to put a bridge in there that would really mark a strong departure with the style of the song and then bring us back in with a bang.

hacked_to_pieces

hacked_to_pieces said 1896 days ago (September 16th, 2004)

Since
its an industrial song I don't think it needs a bridge or
chorus but I could be wrong. The intro is strong and flows
well into the verses you have a nice little instrumental
break between verses. I think the song is finished, you can
always add little things here and there but imho they are
not needed. The vocals are great especially like the offset
vocals on the last line of each verse and the effects used
on them.

Check out my latest song called blues shuffle

	said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)
	Adjust the brightness As far as content goes... this has all the right stuff for the genre (that acquired taste thing :b). I am thinking you need to step back ack listen on a system with "chutzpah". I think it needs more bottom, balls... and less brightness. eights

	said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)
	Step back-ack... and listen... BTW... great artwork... as always! --- "To copy others is necessary, to copy one's self is pitiful" — Pablo Picasso

ka-klick

ka-klick said 1893 days ago (September 19th, 2004)

Adjust the brightness
Yup I'm voting w/ the choir here and say NEEDS more bottom!
Could be nice to have a nice solo bridge for chik to make the scene.
Also we need to hear SCARLETTE some more! See of you can find a place for
her in this :-)
Great energy, style and lyrics.

---
Beauty should be edible, or not at all.
-- Dali

Check out my latest song called Big Bad World - Live 1-16-2009 plus - MJRF

Paul_T	Paul_T said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)
	I vote for the bridge! Like a couple of other folks, I'd like to hear a bit of variation somewhere in the middle, Doesn't have to be new chords, but maybe the song could break apart into free-form chaos for a time before pulling itself back together for the crushing finale. Nice work! Check out my latest song called Armor Pajamas

	said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)
	Done demo... This rocks. Sounds done to me. Unlike some others, I don't want to hear variation on this one. I like it to drive right through the normal rules as it currently does. Edgy, strong, angry, and intelligently written lyrics. It has an "in your face" feel that seems to say "if you don't get it, F#*% you". Thanks for including them BTW. Heart-pounding thrill ride. Well done. 8-8-9-8.

Momotamus

Momotamus said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)

Boo Yea!
I got an early listen to this song in the chat room, and my
comments then went something like this...
This Rocks!
Love the energy and the call and response lyrics.
Love the lyrics themselves. "Filling the cemetery with all
our lies" is just simply great.
I think I suggested a high harmony on the last verse, just
to take it up that last notch. Great song. Not my genre,
but appropriately angry.
9-10-9-9

Check out my latest song called Like A Wink

Cameron

Cameron said 1896 days ago (September 17th, 2004)

great beat
GREAT groove here!

Some suggestions from James, actually, who wants me
to tell you that this "KIKTHS AAATH!"):

1.) Maybe less hi-hat, more bass and tenor drum, in some
sections. Make it even more of a tribal beat.

2.) How bout a B3 "slide organ" type riff occasionally? (see
Steppenwolf "Magic Carpet Ride" and Sly & the Family
Stone, "Thank you for letting me be myself") This would
give it a hint of gospel flavor without departing from the
industrial genre.

3.) Even though the vocals are mostly "spoken", could they
be given some sort of dual harmony feel, with something
screaming on top sometimes? They're GREAT lyrics!
(thanks for posting them, couldn't understand them all,
but that's why god made liner notes!)

About 2/3 of the way through, cut to some sort of
contrasting cello/harpsichord riff in a classical motif of
maybe eight measures with a long, grinding organ slide
back to the main theme.

We both really liked this track. I think it is the best
energized song in this genre that we've heard thus far on
MacJams.

I'm very pleased that James INSISTED that I write you his
comments here. That says a LOT for how good your piece
is!

We give it all 9's.

Check out my latest song called EPONYM

Stun Nutz

Stun Nutz said 1895 days ago (September 17th, 2004)

all this needs is...
So...are you sick of people telling you what this song
needs...? No? Really? Well, here is my two cents
worth. I liked a lot of things about your tune, by the
way. However, you need to bring that bass line up (a
lot louder) and fuzz it out. One thing that gives
industial/metal music such power sometimes is that
back end. Also, maybe the second lyric line could be
screamed a little more...you just need a touch more
chaos (just a hint).

Check out my latest song called Gossamer dissected

Mr Winther	Mr Winther said 1895 days ago (September 18th, 2004)
	Less discant Lover the brightness and upp the bass. It would really improve the song. Other than that, its veeery good! 7-7-8-8 Check out my latest song called Late summer night

joel8x	joel8x said 1895 days ago (September 18th, 2004)
	Change Up The Beat! The only thing I would do is somwhere near the end change the drums up (while keeping the music the same). Maybeswitch the beat around to a downbeat thing if you know what I mean. Listen to some Shellac and you'll hear how drastic a slight change in the beat can be in a song like this! Cool stuff. Check out my latest song called Hold Me

futzpucker

futzpucker said 1894 days ago (September 18th, 2004)

I say leave it
I know you've listened to some of my songs, because
you've commented on a couple of them. So you know how
far from what I compose this song is.

I love it. I think it's great, and to my ears it accomplishes
exactly what I figure you intended. I would change
nothing. It makes its own statement, and it follows no
rules except those you wrote into it. No B section, no
bridge, no other instruments. The song stands on its own
as is, and stands tall.

Way to smoke, packo.

Check out my latest song called Just As It Is

handovergold said 1894 days ago (September 19th, 2004)

hey masturbation
doesn't really make you blind?!? anyway, I really like this tune. I would bring in a little more mid and bottom somehow instrumentally. Perhaps if you started out more conversational and worked your way into the angry scream it would have less a need of the other "sections" that people seem to be missing. You know, sort of a production trick that gives it more dynamics. Maybe substitution of instruments or adding another drum in some of the sections would help the arrangement. Are you going to repost it? I am going to refrain from voting until I hear this verdict. (the story you are about to hear is true, names have been changed to protect the innocent--verdict--it sounds so official--okay, now I'm making fun of myself!) I like the lyrical idea's development as well. And the drum beat break which sounds like an AK47. At least in my imagination...

Check out my latest song called The Tomorrow one

regulus

regulus said 1893 days ago (September 20th, 2004)

It's in the stream
If your fishing for more you don't need it. It's there. What
you might try is lesss. Drop the bass and guitar at the
birdge zone and at times just run on vocal and drum. Hit
with jagged statcatos w/ the guitar and bass building in
counter point pulsation to the return of the main line. But
you did som of that so.... you don't need votes.... you
need air time. Talk to your local station the, dj workshops
at high shool, the collage and PBS rock porgrams for that.
your good man...

Check out my latest song called Won:23

nspeers

nspeers said 1892 days ago (September 20th, 2004)

Rocks
The things that stuck out in my ears was:

1- the 1/8 note drum breaks (chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck). When the rest of the drum sound was good, a break like that really makes me think of bad electronic music of the late 70's, even though the rest of your piece sounds great. Maybe you could put in a chunk of the main drum loop, shorten to 1/8 note length, then loop that as the break - should sound more realistic.

2- neeed just a bit more anger in your voice for this type of piece (although I know others have commented on this). Maybe use a touch of distortion on the vocal track.
3 - more bass (again, others have commented). Maybe double up the bass part using different instrument sounds, eq to be slightly different from kick drum.

On the plus side, you have very tight composition and playing. With a few exceptions, I'm not a big fan of most industrial -- and this is one of those exceptions.

Check out my latest song called Dancing In The Kitchen

Mcboy	Mcboy said 1892 days ago (September 21st, 2004)
	bang bang bang.... on the door baby........i could swear thats what the intro guitar was saying.........very industrious.......nrg galore here packo.......mix seems right between git and voice.... Check out my latest song called Heros( aclarke/mcboy)

bloosman1	bloosman1 said 1892 days ago (September 21st, 2004)
	I liked it much Good work. A little more bottom would be ok.. but if ya changed it too much, it would be a different song.. to me anyways. Check out my latest song called Broken Wing

obbster	obbster said 1891 days ago (September 21st, 2004)
	Great Its good. You could lower levels of some of the instruments and put some more bass, instead of treble, especially on the guitars. apart from that its good stuff. I Like. It is Niiice. Check out my latest song called Legend

_nderscore

_nderscore said 1889 days ago (September 24th, 2004)

super close
finally had time to give this a proper listen-great song,
man. there are a lot of great suggestions above, my added
input would be that it seems too straightforward. could
use a twist of turn here or there to completely shed that
pop music 'i know what's coming next' feel. it's
definitely NOT a pop song. there are so many great
things in your song to play with, just roll up the sleeves &
shake it up a little.. oh yeah, like Ka-Klick said, let
scarlette sing!

Check out my latest song called glyd

	antwan said 1886 days ago (September 26th, 2004)
	I Like this! Right On. Just give this mix some punch and you have a winner! Check out my latest song called First one done son

Ringo

Ringo said 1862 days ago (October 20th, 2004)

Spine tinglingly good
Real goose bump stuff. Your rhythm guitar playing is
electrifying, This thing just has so much energy and
tension to it. I like the drums as they are. Maybe they are
lacking a little in the bottom end but frankly I just think it
gives the whole thing a more distinctive character.

The vocals are brilliant as usual, really liked the chorussed
falsetto but the more I listen to your stuff the thing that I
keep coming back to to is your timing. You have just got a
knack of singing/playing in such a way that it lifts the
track.

Had me doing the embarassing "listening eyes
closed subconsciously headbanging" thang.....Lyrics are as
cool as the Matrix (first one not the second two...)

Wonderful. I really think I would buy this... How's the
record deal coming on...?

Check out my latest song called Real Slow

Impassible	Impassible said 1777 days ago (January 13th, 2005)
	.... I don't even know what to say anymore about your stuff man... it's all so f*#&ing good... You're way better than a lot of 'pros'. Will somebody get this man a contract? Check out my latest song called Glass Spider

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Artist Info

Name: Gra-Matter

Still just some guy... only getting older by the day... [see more]

Check out some of my other songs:

Genre Info

Industrial music is a loose term for a number of different styles of electronic and experimental music. First used in the mid 1970s to describe the then-unique sound of Industrial Records artists, a wide variety of artists and labels have since come

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