As personal as this is, I think it is great poetry. It's
able to transfer your perpective well, and is easy to
identify with. I listened to it 3 times.
Love lost is not an easy thing to cope with or
describe in words at times,
yet your poem gives excellent insight into the
nature of still loving enough to wish you never loved
enough to hurt the other person.
Great characterization of romance on the way down.

On the improvement side, I prefer poems read by the
poet when it's an option. Gudkarma has a melodious
voice (if you like the sound of a guy's voice forced
into muffled deep drawl as a result of needing to
blow your nose) which lends itself to this if you can
imagine a man who just cried and is alone talking to
himself. I personally think less effort on making your
voice sound a certain way is better for spoken word,
but that's not to say GK's voice isn't talented, it's just
less gimmick-ee when he's singing Dust my Broom
or something. I don't think your poem needs a voice
gimmick, it's good on it's own read by anybody, and
best if read by yourself.

It's dark, personal, compelling, romantic, angry, sad
and full of hopeful despair....great qualities in a
poem that neither rhymes or makes unusually
creative use of words.

One thumb up and a wink....but no vote since it's not
a song and I'm a musician not a poet.

Thanks for posting it C J O R G E N S 'E' N. Here's
$20 virtual bucks, three mentions of your name
today in the chat window with hotlinks by me, and a
nice fresh ham samwich for the effort. ;} -S'witch

Sorry it has to be me (that troublesome non-
agreeable, songless, name mispeller that I am) to
leave you a comment, I hope that doesn't miff you,
but I hope it at least inspires others to drop you a
note for your obvious effort.

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"One thumb up and a wink....but no vote since it's not
a song and I'm a musician not a poet."

Eh, think for the most part your criticism is spot on. I agree it's cool to have it
read by the poet when possible, but I dig gudkarma's voice, and wanted to
see what someone else would do with my material. I was honored he agreed
to do it, which is where I think you went slightly off. I love what he did with
the reading, love his vocals.

I don't think you have to be a poet to judge, as long as you are honest and
fair, I can live with it. If you came across and said, giving you 1s because it
isn't a song, then I'd be upset.

"Thanks for posting it C J O R G E N S 'E' N. Here's
$20 virtual bucks, three mentions of your name
today in the chat window with hotlinks by me, and a
nice fresh ham samwich for the effort. ;} -S'witch"

Uh-oh. Three mentions, huh? Wish I'd been paying attention. :)

Thanks for the feedback.

---
--
Is there a meaning to all this?
www.thisflapfirst.com

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I'm reminded, because of the character of the voice, of
some of the poetry recitals over music by Don Van Vliet
(AKA Capt. Beefheart).

Only think I might suggest is to color it a bit with some
intermittent background percussion, a cymbal there, a
triangle over here. But it's fine how it is.

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I want to write something worthy of Gudkarma's sublime voice. His tongue wraps around you like a snake; all you can do is sit and listen while mesmerized in its grip.

Great opening: the "I want to call back through time, talk when we were still friends" sets up a dramatic situation that instantly poses several questions 1) why is "there a need to revisit the past? 2) what went wrong ? 3) if you could call, what would you say? In the same moment I think there is the awareness that the task at hand is an impossible one, but the listener will have to see how things play out in the poem.

I like the way the recollection builds into a sharp emotional crescendo with the thoughts of "betrayal" and "I'll imagine you in his arms," with the music and vocalization in accord.

How many times have I made that call in my head? A dozen? A hundred? Here's it is, put down on paper, processed in digital, saying everything that always has been needed to be said, and then ,,, the sad realization sets in, that time has changed everything, and the call is forever impossible to make. The finality of the ending contrasts nicely with the open-endedness of the beginning. And I was left with the feeling it's a hopeless situation, that even the act of writing it down and coming to the realization that the call is impossible to make - all that won't keep one from thinking about making that call again sometime in the future. The ultimate loop.

My only critcial comment is I think Gudkarma relies on repetition a couple times too many, that a few times is fine because it feels like introspection, but by using it too many times it becomes recognizable as a device for introspection and, thus, a bit of a distraction. For example, at the end, it goes "And though it never feels this way, I am better without you. I will never call. I will never call." I want that "I will never call" said with all of the sad realization of finality his resolute astonishing voice can muster, but only once, without any second guessing.

Of course, maybe that's just wishful thinking. Maybe the curse is to have to keep repeating it.

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Thanks for the feedback.

What makes this even worse is I wanted to send her the piece. The poem, the
recording. I feel that if someone wrote something like this about me, I'd want
to know. I've decided that wouldn't be a good idea, but doesn't diminish the
desire.

I think gudkarma took an average poem and made it exceptional, but then I
am biased. I plan to remix it some now that I have GB2. Make another
version. Chop it up and piece it back together again.

Didn't think about taking the repetition out. I can see your point on this, but I
think it was a style choice, and I think it added drama to what would
otherwise go by too quickly.

---
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Is there a meaning to all this?
www.thisflapfirst.com

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I certainly didn't mean to imply take all of the repetitions out. My feeling is it works well most of the time, just that there were one or two too many.

Chopping it up and putting it back together? That should be interesting to hear.

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Nicely written. Very moving.

I was reading along and the repeats got me a bit. I got
used to them but I was thinking that, instead of having
the repeats the same 'flavor' as the read, soften them up
and make them more 'echoey', like, in a dream.

Or put the repeats in the lyrics ;)

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Yeah, for some time I've wanted to chop this up some, layer things in and
around what's already there, add in some sounds, maybe take out the
repetition, but time is a factor. Always time.

---
my life for those without one...
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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Your spoken style and poetry have an interesting
intersection with each other. Very nice combo.

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It's my highest scoring track so far, and I give all the credit to gudkarma. I
was too close to the material to want to read it. I also like the idea of seeing
what others do with my words. He made a coworker of mine get weepy, so I
knew it was working then. I hadn't told her it was one of mine, or even why I
wanted her to listen.

---
my life for those without one...
http://www.christopher.jorgensen.name

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Your words and gunkarma's voice. Great and satisfying
combo.

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Call her! 867-5309! Strippers!

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