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Description:
This is the second version of my cabaret song, The Waitress, for voice and piano. I have added a few lyrics and vocal lines to the first fragment chorus and the second chorus in response to comments from my first version. I like this version better; thanks for your ideas. There are some interesting comments and extended discussions on the first version song page.
This is the first piece I've written for a project titled "Archetypes" (a working title). "The Waitress" represents a doorway to the new... opened to the lonely hearts of the world. That is why the waitress in my song doesn't use a pad to write down orders, she is a great listener and comes to the table with empty hands. I try and create a sense, in the first two choruses, of the vocals coming from the kitchen, or from deep inside the man's mind, something so distant that they aren't quite his own voice, as if he can't say it yet but can only imagine himself saying it. Not until the final chorus, after the meal is over and the bill is paid, can he utter the words aloud... and then it is too late. At least, that is what I was going for on an intuitive level.
For voice and piano - to retain the intimacy of the subject.
This track was remastered and appears on my 2007 release, A Bit Of Light, available through The Lost Records.
Lyrics:
The Waitress (Take My Order)
At the edge of my table, at the edge of the world,
a waitress opens her hands.
I see that they're empty... she's able
to recall everything as she stands.
I fold up my life
and place it to the side.
I want to confide,
tell her everything I'd come to hide.
And she listens without effort.
Does she know how much she comforts,
taking everything inside?
And she glistens with an aura
that calls me to collide.
(Take my order.)
Please, miss, come take my order now.
Please, come take my order now.
As the kitchen door opens
all the sounds and the lights that were hidden so carefully behind,
they tumble out after
and I wonder what else these walls are meant to hide?
Is she smoothing her hair as she thinks of what I have said?
Does she wonder, as I, what else I might want,
what lies ahead?
Take my order. (Please, miss...)
Am I ordered enough to know?
Take my order. (Please...)
Can I order your eyes to go?
Make me order. (Don't let me miss...)
Take me where you want to know.
Make me order and I'll know which way to go.
At the edge of my table, at the edge of the world,
an empty plate lies there abused.
There's more than I'm able to say to her now,
there's no time left and I'm too confused.
Does she know there's a cost
in defining the things we must choose?
Would she go there with me
to where nothing like normal hunger rules?
And she listens without effort.
Does she know how much she comforts,
taking everything inside.
And she glistens with an aura
that calls me to collide.
Take my order.
Am I ordered enough to know?
Take my order.
Can I order your eyes to go?
Make me order,
take me where you want to know.
Make me order and I'll know which way to go.
Hardware:
Roland A-90ex keyboard, Ivory piano AU.
EV 757 mic.
Software:
Digital Performer 4.5. Mastered in Peak 4.1.
Converted to mp3 using LAME encoder. Sounds best in headphones.
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To me you can't do wrong &mdash 02/21/05 - 08:33:52 PM
When ever I see your name on a tune in the new songs
category. I know I am in for a real treat.
I really respect your musical craftmanship. What a GREAT
blessing it is to have your presents here at MJ.
I usually don't like to put down swear words in public.
But DAMN your talented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much!
4 10's
Bill [ Reply to This ]
To me you can't do wrong &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:12:43 AM
Thanks Bill, I appreciate your careful listening. You music has a big heart and
excellent craft, with each song nourished in a special way, and I value your
reactions. [ Reply to This ]
To me you can't do wrong &mdash 02/21/05 - 08:34:51 PM
When ever I see your name on a tune in the new songs
category. I know I am in for a real treat.
I really respect your musical craftmanship. What a GREAT
blessing it is to have your presents here at MJ.
I usually don't like to put down swear words in public.
But DAMN your talented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much!
4 10's
Bill [ Reply to This ]
I want those eyes too... &mdash 02/22/05 - 12:24:16 AM
What a great song to tell. I love everything about it to the
beautiful playing to the talented lyrics and vocals. I really
felt connected throughout the whole song and was a part
of the crowd (which is a nice touch)
Great submission as always Mistral!!
Legato [ Reply to This ]
I want those eyes too... &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:15:26 AM
Minstrel, yes, that is what I was going for on this song, a sense of being the
minstrel, in the honoring, storytelling vein. Thanks for noticing. [ Reply to This ]
I want those eyes too... &mdash 03/03/05 - 10:48:00 AM
Sorry for the wrong meaning in mistral (northwind) hehe ughhh yeah... I'm
embarrassed :)
---
patrick [ Reply to This ]
Approach to songwriting &mdash 02/22/05 - 06:14:31 AM
For some reason (ego?), it is difficult for me to make
changes to a song once it is written. Once I am finished
with it. The song almost becomes like a child, a son or a
daughter, that is perfect, in spite of its imperfections.
It is an unwieldy, uncollaborative approach, I know.
What I'm getting at is this: I thought the original version
was excellent. I know there was a lot of criticism about
some of the lyrics, but I thought they were perfect, like
little children. I would not have changed a word.
I understand the need for collaboration in songwriting,
especially at the moment of creation. But sometimes, I
think, songwriting by committee is like anything else by
committee. Watered down and not as good.
Still a great song. I just liked the original by Mueller.
[ Reply to This ]
Approach to songwriting &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:21:18 AM
I know what you mean, Tom, but as a writer for theater, almost everything I
do has a large element of collaboration so I am used to it. Feed off it,
actually. And, yes, I liked the first version too or I never would have
submitted it. But part of what I want to accomplish with songs like this is to
evoke specific emotions, and the reactions of follow macjammers provides a
nice first reading opportunity. A typical musical is read at least 3-5 times
before it actually opens. Adjustments are made after every reading. I nearly
always welcome the opportunity to make something better. [ Reply to This ]
Well, that's interesting... &mdash 02/22/05 - 08:05:11 AM
and how can I not comment? I mentioned that a "please" would be nice, and you put it in there. I think this is a much better version, just right.
I was wondering how much you would change things based on the feedback you'd gotten on the first version, and I think the changes you've made are really well integrated.
I don't think of this version as watered down, but more like a polished gem. [ Reply to This ]
Well, that's interesting... &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:23:54 AM
Yes, I added a "please." But I also added a double meaning on the word "miss"
which helped focus the story between the lines on that sense of lost
opportunities, of possibilities waiting. Thanks for the comments. [ Reply to This ]
You know what makes this song for me? &mdash 02/22/05 - 09:10:31 AM
... it's that repeated loud note on the third beat of the bar.
Very simple idea but it works so nicely... [ Reply to This ]
You know what makes this song for me? &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:26:17 AM
That accented note off the beat, surrounded by repeating notes, was
supposed to represent the sense of buried passion, of something wanting to
break free. Thanks for mentioning it. The Ivory plug-in is wonderfully
responsive for ideas like this. [ Reply to This ]
That's the ticket &mdash 02/22/05 - 11:04:16 AM
Yep, the added voices to the first chorus are a big
improvement. Then then second and subsequent
choruses--even lovelier! I love how you deftly weave the
voices, combining presence and ambience. Your music
evokes images of graceful dancers. Your Roland keyboard
and Ivory AU render a sound that is pure and organic to
my ear. Bravo. [ Reply to This ]
That's the ticket &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:40:05 AM
Dancers... what a great image. I love that you get a sense of human motion
from this. I am always internalizing a sense of motion when I write. Thanks
for the observations and careful listening. [ Reply to This ]
highlighting just the songwriting &mdash 02/22/05 - 02:31:42 PM
i love how this song highlights your songwriting skills - its surface simplicity of sound held aloft by underlying passion and unique contrsuction; its great lyrics and tight concept; and your always thoughtful performance. this song is one of your best, and that's saying a lot. i think i like this version better, but there are both unique windows into your many depths. [ Reply to This ]
Yes, definitely one of... &mdash 02/22/05 - 02:50:02 PM
your best. I really like it when you sing these melodic
songs of yours. Your harmonies here are perfect and the
change of pace in tempo and vocal feeling make for
compelling listening. Piano... beautiful. And your lyrics
paint a scene, as if from a play or a movie, that creates a
visual, as well as an audio delight.
Maybe the music pro's out there will find points to quibble
over, but to my ear this is much better than reflected in
many of the votes posted.
Jack [ Reply to This ]
Yes, definitely one of... &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:31:26 AM
Thanks, Jack. One of my favorite parts of this song is the way the melody and
right hand piano interplay, both the countermelodies and those chords in
verse 3. The little things in songwriting have always been very important to
me, valuing as I do the great songwriters of an earlier generation. Thanks for
noticing just the writing in this piece, which is what I am most proud of. [ Reply to This ]
Transcends from details into the mythic &mdash 02/23/05 - 07:56:18 AM
At the risk of repeating myself from my comments on version 1, as a bartender, I may be partial to your subject matter. (You should use a bartender as a subject on your next one! call me...) The details of these lyrics are mythic, transcending the moment in a wonderfully poetic yet familiar way. And when you hit that last solo chorus at the end, my god, devistatingly powerful. This version is even better than the first. Pulls even harder at me (or maybe its just that I've heard it more times.) More than brilliant. All I can say is, keep them coming! [ Reply to This ]
Transcends from details into the mythic &mdash 04/05/05 - 01:23:53 PM
Thanks, Del. I always appreciate those who can wait for a payoff later in a
song, who understand the set up. Thanks for all your careful listening. [ Reply to This ]
At the edge of my world &mdash 02/23/05 - 08:03:46 AM
I said what I felt last version, the thrill in listening to this song. I just want to say, on relistening to this version, which never lets me question what is happening and has such a strong visual side to the writing, that the line "Is she smoothing her hair?" really gets me. At that moment, I feel it is about me. I love all the double meanings. At the edge of your piano... thats where to be. [ Reply to This ]
masterful &mdash 02/23/05 - 11:41:21 AM
The sound of the piano merges perfectly with your vocals,
creating a very pleasing aural combination. This is the
best example of the Ivory piano thus far, to my ears
anyway.
I particularly like the accented off-beat chords in the
piano, which added a perfect spice and "zing" to the tune.
The repetition of it is almost hypnotic, matching the
intensity of the lyrics nicely.
I was enroute from Madison to Ft. Myers while your earlier
version of this was posted, so I hadn't heard it. I decided
that it was better to go ahead hear the later version
without comparison; let it stand alone in my ears.
The lyrics have a great deal of depth; the subject matter
delves into a very interesting dimension "above" the usual
level of perception. Very provocative.
This is one of those tunes which continues to ring in the
ears long after the last chord has faded away.
Wonderful concept and performance. [ Reply to This ]
masterful &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:38:00 AM
Thanks, Cameron. I wanted the lyrics to be the focal point, but the clarity and
versatility of the Ivory plugin really make it a joy to sing to. I think one of the
reasons it sounds purer-more real on this track is that I am not dealing with
hold pedal vs. normal chording sections (which makes ambience more
realistic), and everything is evenly played throughout the piece so that
variations in style don't highlight differences in the samples. Singing over the
top helps make anything sound more real, too. [ Reply to This ]
Hmmm... &mdash 02/24/05 - 08:41:45 AM
Firstly, I really love the song... I've listened to both versions several times now and have come to the conclusion that this version doesn't encompass your description as well as the first version. Especially when you say you're going for "a sense, in the first two choruses, of the vocals coming from the kitchen, or from deep inside the man's mind...". To me it seemed that the first version really did this... especially in the first chorus... I do think though that this version is more orthodox and therefore may have wider appeal. There are a lot of things I like in this version... the second chorus really does it for me. If it were possible I'd take the first chorus of the first version and the second chorus of the second version and make a third version. However I don't think the second chorus of this verison would work without its accompanying first chorus. Confused yet??? Nevertheless... it is a fantastic piece. [ Reply to This ]
Photo? &mdash 04/04/05 - 12:55:28 AM
Photo? &mdash 04/05/05 - 12:51:06 PM
Yes, a photo. Black and white with extra colorizations, making the life within
more subtle. [ Reply to This ]
Photo? &mdash 04/04/05 - 01:03:00 AM
Beautiful &mdash 07/19/05 - 11:34:07 PM
What a wonderful story song :) The Piano is beautiful in this song.
The lyrics in this song are spectacular. Reminds me of something Billy Joel might write. [ Reply to This ]
Like a movie, full of sonic images &mdash 01/26/06 - 09:16:52 AM
I saw the whole thing, like a movie. The little laugh sold me on this mix. The reverb sounds lke you're in the kitchen. The piano like it was near the bar. The sounds of glasses, just right. [ Reply to This ]
I love this one &mdash 02/26/07 - 07:56:50 PM
I fell like I'm sitting in the theatre falling in love with the characters. This song is at the same time familiar(who hasn't fallen for a doe-eyed waitrees) and yet intriguing; I want to know where the story goes and I want to know more about the protaganist singing these lines. Beautiful.
Wonderful compostition Tobin! [ Reply to This ]
familiar yet intriguing &mdash 02/28/07 - 10:00:22 AM
Thanks. I spent many hours alone in small restaurants, this was easy to write, but does imply much more than surface details. Thanks for not being put off that the deeper unspoken mysteries/innuendoes needed to come from the listener, or are waiting to be spoken later... [ Reply to This ]
Great! &mdash 06/24/08 - 05:18:48 AM
Very wonderful piece and I was really glad to see it under MJ Coffeehouse list, fits very much. Great performance as usual and loved the live cafe additions in the background!
Take Care
- Yeman A. Al-Rawi [ Reply to This ]
big tip &mdash 06/24/08 - 10:17:01 AM
This order deserves a big tip!
Wonderful performance, great story.
thanks for sharing this beauty. [ Reply to This ]
Another great &mdash 07/02/08 - 12:24:50 PM
This is another great song Tobin. The words are sang with such feeling and the story is captivating. The melodies are top notch.
Excellent performance. Love the piano playing too.
Nick [ Reply to This ]
This was &mdash 07/04/08 - 11:25:54 AM
beautifully executed. Simply stated, I felt what you were dramatizing.It was theater. Thanks. [ Reply to This ]
What a wonderful song Tobin. &mdash 07/27/08 - 06:02:06 PM
The simple act of going to a restaurant to eat, you turn into possibilities that have crossed our paths in real life, but went unnoticed. And how many of we men have not at sometime or another been stunned silent by the presents of a waitress who attracted us in ways we didn't understand.
An excellent story my friend and the music fits it beautifully. My only complaint is that I had some trouble in a few places understanding your vocal, but I'm sure it's because of my hearing, and not your levels in the mix.
This is a very nice piece of work Tobin. Almost like something you would hear in a movie about how a young man was captivated and drawn in by a fetching young lady.
Thanks for pointing this one out, I would have hated to miss it.
Ed [ Reply to This ]
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category. I know I am in for a real treat.
I really respect your musical craftmanship. What a GREAT
blessing it is to have your presents here at MJ.
I usually don't like to put down swear words in public.
But DAMN your talented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much!
4 10's
Bill
[ Reply to This ]