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A Christmas Credit Card (Christmas in my Dreams) (w/dwwave)


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It's funny how some songs come together. This one started when dwwave, who I'd worked with on a couple of tracks, noticed that I liked Christmas songs & suggested that we work on one together.

Given the nature of our previous tracks, this was unlikely to be a traditional Christmas song – no Bing Crosby, Phil Spector, etc. for us. The lyrics were kind of cynical & kind of tongue-in-cheek, but also reflect my genuine love of Christmas. One of the lyrical ideas dates back over ten years but the rest I wrote this year (most of them were, surprisngly, written while I was at a prog rock festival in the UK - go figure!).

Dwwave used Garageband to provide an amazing soundbed for the lyrics, which I described as kind of like a Hawaiian Elvis Christmas. He did quite a lot of editing and came up with a sound that we both really liked. Hope you all do too! Merry Christmas everybody!

Epileptic Gibbon is based in the UK and provided all the lyrics and the spoken- word vocals.

dwwave is based in Akron, Ohio, USA and provided all the musical stuff.

Credit for the artwork goes to Mike & Kim Crinella at www.alohafriends.com
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Lyrics
It's not Christmas in Iraq
Nor in New Orleans
It's not Christmas in the gutter
But it's Christmas in my dreams

Christmas is coming
The goose is very dead
Please put a penny in the old man's head
If you haven't got a penny
Then a credit card will do
If you haven't got a credit card
Then God bless you

Give up your presents
Give up your sins
It's a lose-lose situation
But everybody wins

Christmas is coming
The goose is very dead
Please put a penny in the old man's head
If you haven't got a penny
Then a credit card will do
If you haven't got a credit card
Then God bless you

Would you believe
On one Christmas Eve
Dear old Santa he got sick?
He gave a cough
His leg fell off
Do you think that I'm taking the mick?

Christmas is coming
The goose is very dead
Please put a penny in the old man's head
If you haven't got a penny
Then a credit card will do
If you haven't got a credit card
Then God bless you

A Christmas complainer?
Mistletoe and whine?
Just give me a kiss
And I'll be festively fine

Christmas is coming
The goose is very dead
Please put a penny in the old man's head
If you haven't got a penny
Then a credit card will do
If you haven't got a credit card
Then God bless you

It's Christmas in my dreams
It's Christmas in my dreams
I'll be home for Christmas
But only in my screams
Song Stats
Hits: 6353
Comments: 42
Fans: 5
Plays: 840
Downloads: 226
Votes: 9
Uploaded: Dec 01, 2005 - 03:48:03 PM
Last Updated: Apr 26, 2007 - 08:19:07 PM Last Played: Jul 10, 2019 - 09:08:02 PM
Song License
Creative Commons License:
Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial

Creative Commons

Song Actions
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Hardware:
Two Apple Macs
Software:
Garageband
Comments
selters said 5036 days ago (December 1st, 2005)
cool Background!
Very nice nice background sounds going in here! Love the jangly guitar there. I look at the lyrics as very funny, i hope that was the intention.. If not, well..but you have a very nice voice listening to! keep up the good work!
Check out my latest song called Going South
Epileptic Gibbon said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
cool Background!
Thanks, Selters. We both appreciate you stopping by to comment. Glad
you thought the lyrics were funny… that was the intention. I love
dwwave's jangly guitar selection too. Thanks again.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
caroline said 5036 days ago (December 1st, 2005)
very funny eppy!!
stuff the turkey boy!! see you on the 26th!! thank you for sharing this
one - i think i'll play it loud to the army!! seasons best xxx
Check out my latest song called i'm a reunion maid MJRF 2010
Epileptic Gibbon said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
very funny eppy!!
You know that we're more likely to stuff the Quorn roast round our
household… though I'm not sure how you stuff a Quorn roast… Thanks
for listening, from me and my collaborator across the ocean, dwwave. We
both appreciate you taking time from playing with your new iBook to give
us a listen & a comment. I hope this is a bit pinker & fluffier for you.
Please play as loud as you like to your military neighbours, I'm sure
they'll appreciate it! ;-)

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
said 5035 days ago (December 1st, 2005)
downloaded for the
holidays
Cheers Ian and merry christmas!
Epileptic Gibbon said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
downloaded for the
Thanks for downloading it, Kevin. There are few higher compliments!
Hope you have a joyful yuletide! :-)

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
perceptualvortex said 5035 days ago (December 1st, 2005)
Got me laughing
Nice, I especially like the credit card lines! This is a fresh perspective, in a good way. Very appropriate musical backing as well.
Check out my latest song called Mercury (RPM 6)
Noel Project said 5035 days ago (December 1st, 2005)
Got me laughing
As you can imagine, we here at the NP normally take Christmas very
seriously. Well, it is our livelihood. Hardly the stuff of jokes. However, in this
case, we found ourselves chortling at times, enjoying the Christmas
nightmare, recalling the Miles Davis' classic 'Blue Xmas.' (Well, at least it's a
classic at the Project.) Excellent work, EG. If permitted to vote, we would give
this one high marks, but would also advise you not to make a habit of
mocking this most festive time of year. Where would that leave us?

---
<a href="http://thelostrecords.com/noel-project-artist.html">splendor bright cd
now available
the lost records™ </a>
Check out my latest song called Finale (Silent Night)
Tom Atwood said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
Got me laughing
Forgive my colleagues at NP. They are such duds. And they are always selling
something. For them, Christmas is just one ancient excuse to hawk rehashed
holiday music. Your tune, on the other hand, is fresh. Funny. And I believe
does reveal your genuine love of the season. And, unlike NP, I can vote. 10's,
9's.

---
<a href="http://thelostrecords.com/atwood-artist.html">songs from the american plain cd</a>
Check out my latest song called Vanishing Pezzicato
Epileptic Gibbon said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Got me laughing
I think we can forgive your colleagues at the NP just this once! Fresh,
funny & reveals a genuine love of the season? Well that was exactly what
we were aiming for, but we never dared hope that we might achieve it. If
you liked this one, you're gonna love the next Epileptic Gibbon Christmas
tune, coming to MacJams in the next couple of weeks. Watch this space…
well, maybe not this exact space, but you know what I mean. Thanks for
stopping by and saying such nice things.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
Epileptic Gibbon said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Got me laughing
Mock Christmas? Us? We take it every bit as seriously as you do! Glad you
liked it, though. A recommendation from the Noel Project is like a
recommendation from Santa Claus himself! ;-)

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
Epileptic Gibbon said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Got me laughing
The greatest gift at Christmas is laughter… or maybe an iPod… so if this
got you laughing then our work is done. Sorted! Glad you liked and
thanks for stopping by, PV.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
cjhoose said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
hilarious!!!
The goose is very dead... I love it! Sure to be an MJ Christmas classic!
Check out my latest song called Vapor
Epileptic Gibbon said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
hilarious!!!
Ah, thanks, CJ! David & I think the very idea of it being regarded as a
MacJams Christmas classic is just wonderful and we really appreciate you
saying it.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
drakonis said 5035 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
Its not what?
When I first listened to the lyrics (before scrolling down to read them)...
I swear you started the song saying "Its not Christmas Neurotic", which
seemed to fit really well. Fun well-played background (yes, Hawaiian-
sounding) music, and typically twisted verse, nicely read, from you.
ttfn,
Drakonis (a poor uneducated "Yank", who now must discover what
'taking the mick' means)
Check out my latest song called Miwok
Epileptic Gibbon said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Its not what?
First off, Drak, clearly you need to have your dragon ears cleaned out!

Glad you liked the background, verses and reading. We try our best.

As for what 'taking the mick' means, you're not the first 'Yank' to ask. It's
short for taking the Michael, which obviously clears everything up for
you! ;-) No, it basically means, am I having you on, telling you an
untruth, pulling one over on you, telling you porkies, pulling a fast one,
etc. English has so many phrases for telling lies, doesn't it?

Thanks for listening & commenting, Drak.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
dwwave said 5034 days ago (December 2nd, 2005)
Merry Christmas To all
Ian,

I again enjoyed our across the Atlantic collaboration and glad that we

able to put out a Holiday/Christmas song. Many Thanks to those who have


listened,voted and commented on Ian's great lyrics and vocal presentation as well as the sound bed.


Merry Christmas to all!

dwwave
David
Akron, Ohio USA



Check out my latest song called One Half Person
Epileptic Gibbon said 5031 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
Merry Christmas To all
Great to work with you again, David. A Christmas song wasn't the most
obvious thing for us to work together on but I think it's brought out the
best in both of us. Thanks again for that great soundbed.



---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
dwwave said 5030 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
Re:Merry Christmas To all
Ian,

I agree doing a Christmas piece together would not be a obvious choice
(based on our previous pieces)
but your music interests in your profile was the spark. I was not sure how
it would turn out either but I think your lyrics and reading came across
super and thanks for the +comments on the soundbed, sometimes
less is more musically. I look foward to working together again and I am
sure we can cross many genre's while doing so.Merry Christmas across
the sea!

---
dwwave
Check out my latest song called One Half Person
eltopo said 5034 days ago (December 3rd, 2005)
Astonishingly good
My Chistmas has come early thanks to this.
Check out my latest song called Gentrification (live)
Epileptic Gibbon said 5031 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
Astonishingly good
What a nice thing to say. And a real compliment considering how great &
witty your latest track is. Thanks for listening, eltopo.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
fairy beth said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
wow eppy
i never realised how soothing and oddly mesmeric your voice is!! i think you should have narrated a british cartoon in the 70's - like Bagpuss. lol. But really...i really like this song - very poetic and interestingly different from the usual cheery chrimbo tunes.
Check out my latest song called Message No.1 - David Gwynne
Epileptic Gibbon said 5031 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
wow eppy
When you said that you hoped I wouldn't be offended by your comments
I wondered what sort of thing you'd put! But quite the opposite in fact.
British kids programmes of the 1970s are ace, particularly Bagpuss,
which is one of my all-time faves. I'd love to do the narration for
something like that… Brian Cant was always a particular hero of mine &
he did Trumpton, Chigley & Camblewick Green. Of course any non-Brits
will be wondering what on earth we're talking about! Yes, I can do funky
AND soothing & mesmerising… I lead a lot of meditations so I'm used to
trying to sound soothing. Anyway, glad you liked it. Thanks so much for
listening, FB.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
Einarus said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Christmas in Hawaii?
Clever little poem and well delivered.
I really liked the background guitar - very tropical.
Fun track.
Check out my latest song called "I Hate Goodbyes"
Epileptic Gibbon said 5031 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
Christmas in Hawaii?
Glad you liked, Einny! I loved the juxtaposition of David's Hawaiian-style
background with the very English vocals & I'm glad most people seem to
approve. Thanks so much for listening.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
stevel said 5033 days ago (December 4th, 2005)
Heh heh
A nice bit of Christmas cynicism here Eppy...you almost sound like a
young Ivor Cutler in places. Like that Hawaian guitar sound you got going
there! Nice...
Steve
Check out my latest song called Out of Reach
Epileptic Gibbon said 5021 days ago (December 16th, 2005)
Heh heh
Perhaps 'ho, ho, ho' might have been more appropriate than 'heh heh'…
not really getting into the festive spirit now, are we Steve?! But I'll let you
off because it's a time for forgiveness…or is that Easter? ;-)
Anyway, thanks everso much for listening & commenting. This song was
a fine balance between love for Christmas & a cynical attitude towards it
too. Glad you liked it. David's guitar choice was inspired… who'd have
thought it would work but it definitely seems to.



---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
mandolinquent said 5031 days ago (December 6th, 2005)
Very seasonal...
Wonderful. Reminded me of Viv Stanshall without the rampant
alcoholism. A necessary antidote, and great backing dwwave.
Check out my latest song called Fair Jenny's Jig and Matthew Briggs
Epileptic Gibbon said 5020 days ago (December 16th, 2005)
Very seasonal...
I tried the rampant alcoholism but it didn't suit my delicate disposition.
But any non-alcoholic comparison with Viv Stanshall is just about the
perfect compliment. Glad you liked it and many thanks for taking the
time out to comment.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
Ed Klingenberger said 5030 days ago (December 7th, 2005)
Christmas comes early
Nice work here, guys. Love the spoken-word performance. The
background music is just nicely out of the way - great work there. I
also enjoyed the lyric update of the "Christmas is coming, the goose is
very fat" chorus here. When was the last time anybody saw a haypenny,
anyway?

But I digress.

Anyways, high marks (if I could vote) for this tune.
Check out my latest song called All-Star Break
Epileptic Gibbon said 5015 days ago (December 22nd, 2005)
Christmas comes early
You know, you're the first person to mention my update of the
"Christmas is coming, the goose is very fat" chorus. I'm glad that
someone mentioned it… I'm not sure how widely known it is. As for
ha'pennies, I think Tom Atwood is expecting some for his anorak so
maybe you'll see some then (see 'anorak for sale' forum post for more
information). Anyway, really glad you liked and welcome to MacJams.


---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
Macaudion said 5026 days ago (December 10th, 2005)
TWISTED
BUT I AM LAUGHNG SO HARD - I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR XMAS AND
THIS FITS MY TUDE SO VERY WELL - THIS IS REALLY GOOD, EPILEPTIC
I HAD KNOW IDEA THAT YOU WERE DESIGNED THIS WAY...

I'M ACTUALLY ON A BIT OF A HAITUS FROM MJS FOR AWHILE, BUT FELL
OFF THE WAGON LONG ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT THIS LITTLE DITTY OF
YOURS - THANKS FOR SHARING THIS - DION
Check out my latest song called Picture country living
Epileptic Gibbon said 5004 days ago (January 2nd, 2006)
TWISTED
Laughter has a power to heal and dwwave & I are festive doctors of mirth
… at least on this particular track.

Who knows how Epileptic Gibbon is designed? I like to try and surprise
people. I hope I didn't surprise dwwave too much but he certainly
adapted brilliantly to my change of pace and mood.

We're so glad that you enjoyed this, Dion, and thanks for coming along
and commenting. I for one thrive on feedback like this. Thank you!

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
earwig999 said 5026 days ago (December 11th, 2005)
Fun
This is a great funny song. The music could use some fills as it get repetative. But it made me laugh!! :)
Check out my latest song called Pull My Cracker 2006 Re-Mix
Epileptic Gibbon said 5004 days ago (January 2nd, 2006)
Fun
So glad that it made you laugh. Maybe we could have made it less
repetitive, that's a fair point. We are thinking of doing a remix in time for
next Christmas so perhaps we could add something to it then. Thanks
for listening.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
fizz said 5024 days ago (December 13th, 2005)
speechless
i love your new material! but not as much as loose anna, that was one crazy ass tune. you can tell how you've matured since then though..

especially like the line 'just give me a kiss and i'll be festively fine'.

thanks for making my christmas!

xx
Epileptic Gibbon said 4959 days ago (February 16th, 2006)
speechless
Fizz,

Thanks for listening & commenting. The two songs, this one and 'Loose
Anna' were with different collaborators, which largely explains the
differences in style, etc. but thanks for the nice comments about them
both.

Glad you liked that line, one of my faves too. And there can be no
greater compliment than someone saying that I've made their Christmas!

Eppy

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
jtp184 said 5023 days ago (December 14th, 2005)
Weird but good
the lyrics sound weird but its nice
Epileptic Gibbon said 5020 days ago (December 16th, 2005)
Weird but good
Weird but good could be the Epileptic Gibbon & dwwave catchphrase. We
like it when people say that about our music. :-) Thanks for listening and
commenting.

---
"You never say please. You never say thank you."
"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."
-- Bayliss and Pembleton
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
slumbering said 4470 days ago (June 20th, 2007)
That's great!
Haha, i love it! :D
Check out my latest song called Over the Sea
Epileptic Gibbon said 4396 days ago (September 2nd, 2007)
:)
Thanks, Slumbering. Really glad you enjoyed it.

---
Check out my <a href="http://www.epilepticgibbon.co.uk">music podcast</a>
Check out my latest song called Fiddler Off the Roof w/Komrade K & Caroline
said 4039 days ago (August 24th, 2008)
Very Funny
I love this. Nice one.. I love the bit where you say if you havn't got a penny then a credit card will do. hahaa

Well done.

LTMP


Artist Info
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Name: Ian Fairholm
Location: Cheltenham England
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UK-based psychologist who loves prog/art rock, chamber pop, electronica, experimental stuff and, oddly enough, Christmas music. I'm more of a music critic and fan than a musician, but I used to play the recorder and the trumpet (a long time ago!). I'... [see more]

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