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She's (take two)

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A retake of an earlier submission. Still playing.
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She’s cinnamon on the tongue,
and deep lung air,
the space between heartbeats,
and dreamless seconds. She’s
gravity and bent light, years of inescapable
regret. She’s a bruised tattoo and a muffled note
sounding sad negation, baby skin, and
straight flush vertigo; queen high,
aphasia, and too much wine.
The beginning’s whispered word and
insomnia. She’s finish line sweat
and denied kisses, dew wet roses and ropes
bathed in starlight. She’s candle wax and
burnt offerings, a razor wrist, the atom split,
lightning dance and a tear of joy. She’s a child
tickled too long and quivering lip.
She’s dragon chasing
smoke raised in prayer, a C4 bunny,
three to a match and a bullet;
to whom it may concern, sucking
chest wound heartbreak. She’s
crime in a $4 T-shirt and yesterday’s
shorts. She’s her smile and walk,
cricket comfort and lumbering grace,
electrochemical shock therapy. She’s
the fast right hand captured in unnatural acts.
She’s unclean thoughts, and unrepentance,
salvation offered only in darkness. She’s
the better half of a timeless equation, π
factored past infinity, an easy answer
to an impossible problem. She’s unknown
and unknowable, an unopened gift
gathering dust,
another man’s name on the tag.
Song Stats
Hits: 2766
Comments: 6
Fans: 0
Plays: 83
Downloads: 94
Votes: 6
Uploaded: Mar 25, 2005 - 12:20:30 PM
Last Updated: Mar 25, 2005 - 09:31:46 AM Last Played: Jun 09, 2019 - 11:43:35 PM
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_nderscore said 5227 days ago (March 25th, 2005)
nice job with the heart beat-a perfect backdrop for your
vocals-accentuates instead of competing. sets up a nice
rhythm as well. would be cool if the beat sped up
somewhere to build up a particular phrase. great stuff
Check out my latest song called kolors wash
cjorgensen said 5224 days ago (March 27th, 2005)
Would be hard to speed up the heartbeat. I'm using the Skywalker sound that
came with my .mac account.

I think it's funny that people objected to the pornography sounds in the first
take, so I redid it without and am scoring lower. Oh well.

my life for those without one...
Check out my latest song called Gardens
rovert10 said 5224 days ago (March 27th, 2005)
Great Poetry
Would like to here some musical accompaniment or
maybe some sounds to help illustrate the subject matter.
Reminded me a little of some of the spoken word stuff of
MC 900ft Jesus.
Check out my latest song called Gears
TobinMueller said 5212 days ago (April 9th, 2005)
Way better than Hallmark
Great list. Now this is what they should put on greeting
cards, then they'd actually be worth the $3.50 they cost.
Wonderful words, again, but so steady on the even keel
vocals sans modulation that it may be too numbing. Great
balance between heartbeat and vocals, but I would like a
change in tempo someplace, something that says, in
addition to your fines words, "I am moved by my own
feelings." Just curious, but is there a meaning to where
you break each line in the lyrics field? You create some
nice additional meanings with them.
Check out my latest song called Momentary Undertow
cjorgensen said 5212 days ago (April 9th, 2005)
Way better than Hallmark
Thanks for the kind words. I have a group of poems I do at slams, the first
one is Poems for greeting cards:

"Don't expect a godsend,

or a cure for my broken heart.

I just want you to be my friend.

Now, until we part."

Poems for cannibals:

"The younger the child,

the better to eat.

The less the years,

the better the meat."

Then I go into Poems for sick f*cks, and then Poems for high
It's usually pretty funny by the time I finish the series. People
never get the first one until after I get going. Trying for insipid, sickly sweet,
stuff, or over-the-top, or sincere innocence, is actually harder to pull off than
some people probably think. I'd hate writing greeting cards.

I'm still trying to get comfortable doing emotive work without a crowd. It's
hard. I feel foolish reading with passion when I am alone. Seems like
masturbation, about the only way I can get myself to do it is with enough
wine (read that is!).

I do spend a lot of time playing with the line breaks. I do try to get extra
meaning out of them. I also think this poem is packed with metaphor. "gravity
and bent light" equals a black hole, which is why you can't get away. "Cricket
comfort" is that damn thing that keeps you up at night. "She?s dragon chasing
smoke" is opium and "a C4 bunny," is Mr. Rabbit. Damn explosive bunnies,
but I'm all right!

I try to pack this one with things some might get, some might not, but as
long as the words are honest I don't mind. I almost did "She's 2 and 3," since I
had enough material left over (I had it bad). But the best of made it in here,
so "she's a compression wave and a whip crack," got cut.

The one I keep wondering if people get is this: three to a match and a
bullet; to whom it may concern, sucking chest wound heartbreak.

I don't try to be deliberately obscure.

I would like to play with the speed, maybe take three? WIll add backdrop
sounds if I do, maybe break out words for special effects.---
my life for those without one...

Check out my latest song called Gardens
said 5009 days ago (October 28th, 2005)
Very powerful lyric imagery
I would agree with rovert that some more relevant background
accompaniment could strengthen the piece.
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Name: Christopher L. Jorgensen
Location: Slater IA United States
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Christopher L. Jorgensen is lucky enough to make his living answering questions about Macintosh computers all day. In his spare time he likes to drink wine, play with webdesign, and learn new things about computers. He has an iron ego and lives fo... [see more]

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